Changing Reflections

Funny how I thought to write a blog entry tonight and realized it had been a year (almost exactly!) since my last post. I'll never be a famous blogger, that's for sure! Perhaps its my Scorpio nature. Secrets hold more fascination for me than sharing every flitting thought that flies through my head. But tonight, the spirit has struck! So, here goes.

I have that feeling that comes as the harbinger of a giant shift. Its been creeping up on me for days and has become undeniable. Tonight I am restless and can't sleep with a vague feeling of expectation, trepidation and excitement. I can feel change coming and I know that my life will never be the same. I can't yet tell what that change will be. I'm not sure it even matters. Life is change and, large or small, it is just the flow of nature. But I can sense it sneaking up on me.

Every time a major change occurs in my life it brings with it a deepening of my understanding of my own nature and creations. As I gather wisdom and years, the changes reveal deeper and more fundamental parts of my being. The revelations are not always pretty. I've learned a lot about my darker nature over the years. But more often I'm blessed with glimpses of who I am on the deeper levels of my being-- beyond my own illusions, fears, hopes, dreams, lusts and hallucinations. I believe that each time my personal Earth shifts under my feet I become more of myself. I wonder what this change will reveal.

How do I know change is coming? What is this feeling that is giving me goose bumps?
I would love to say that I am feeling an unbridled joy at the prospect of flinging my life to the wind and letting the Divine carry me where it will. But, to be honest, I'm feeling fear. Not crawl-under-the-covers fear, but more of a deep inner knowing that I am going to give up something that is both very precious to me, and very limiting. I am feeling a premonition of necessary loss. I feel like a snake who knows it must shed its skin, but is afraid of having no comforting limits or structure to contain it. Like a flower within the bud that is both craving the light and fearing sunburn. Like a baby about to be birthed.

Each time I have been through an experience of deep growth, I have deconstructed a part of my life that was limiting me in some fundamental way. Early on, this deconstruction was done with the utmost resistance as the Universe dragged me, kicking and screaming, into a place of greater freedom and greater awareness. I realized long ago that resistance is futile. Allowing is a process of Grace, while trying is a function of the Ego. I have learned that consciously releasing my limitations and worn-out creations is far easier than resisting the change. I have learned to celebrate shift and to trust that it is taking me to some place within myself and in my life that will be far more expanded than where I have been. All of this knowing, though, still doesn't erase the feeling of jumping off a tall cliff and falling through space. It is that feeling that I have now.

In this space of premonition and trepidation, excitement and anticipation, I am walking through my days simply asking Spirit for Clarity and Grace. I don't want to avoid this shift. I intend to embrace it, whatever it may end up being. I only ask that I be led to shed my skin with as much elegance as I can muster. I don't ask for total understanding, as I know it is both impossible and completely unnecessary. Knowing the "whys" doesn't change anything. It is only an attempt of the ego to control the process. But I do ask for clarity and that I may see each step I am to take. I don't need to see the whole picture or the whole path. I only need to see where to put my foot next. Its time for me to walk forward on my path. Or, maybe to walk around in circles. I'm not sure.

I firmly believe that this guidance will be given to me as I focus on my heart consciousness. I know from prior experiences that the more I try to "figure it out" the less I'll be tuning into that part of me that already knows where I'm going. I know that the mild sense of fear I feel is not coming from my heart. My heart is peaceful. My head, however, is not so sure it wants to give up the known for the unknown. Perhaps gaining the clarity of each step forward requires nothing more than quieting my head, turning up my heart and listening to the direction its beat is giving me. Moving with that beat. Dancing forward.